Johnny Depp ruined his reputation to win verdict – but man, it’s a show

As Johnny Depp once said to Amber Heard: “Do you want to see Mad Men?”

As it turns out, we all do, to a large extent. Like 3-D, IMAX, Game of Thrones – The-Wall is big.

Man, do we get it?

Giving me a wilder, more original, more engrossing, irresistible tragicomedy continuous viewing experience “Depp v. Hurd.”

That’s enough to make you forget about Oscar. Will Smith gets slapped who?

“Depp v. Heard”, thank you. It’s the perfect “we’re post-pandemic, but heading into a full-blown recession, maybe a third world war?” distraction, the identities of two spoiled celebrities unleashed, creepy and hilarious, full of Human feces, a severed appendage, literal bloodstains on the walls and boring testimony from Lady Gaga’s ex-fiancé and supermodel Kate Moss.

What would we do without it?

Just as Tom Cruise successfully transformed himself from the bat — from the frantic sofa-jumping Scientology priest to the world’s biggest, most dependable movie star — oh, “Top Gun: The Maverick” is amazing. Peace of mind, and above all a theatrical release – Johnny Depp accomplishes the opposite feat.

A movie star beloved by Gen X peers and kids alike has been revealed as A mess of alcoholism and drug addiction, whose alter ego is a “monster”, A man has been convicted of beating his wife by a British court.

He did it to himself. He doesn’t have to bring this suit.But since he apparently avoided good advice from nobles, Johnny Depp decided it was Only in this way can his reputation be restored.

Johnny Depp has won a defamation lawsuit against ex-wife Amber Heard, but his reputation is still in trouble.
Johnny Depp wins defamation lawsuit against ex-wife Amber Heard.
REUTERS/Evelyn Hawkstein

Every morning, he arrives in a flashy suit and chauffeured SUV, bombs Bob Marley, waves to his fans, and the Fairfax County Circuit Court in Virginia is just another red carpet. Johnny Depp, in a different universe.

Oh Johnny’s laughter! Between chewing gummy bears, giggling with his lawyer, doodling and coloring, Johnny found nothing shocking.

Not the s—t in the bed“At my bedside, um, human feces,” he testified.

Could it be a dog with an upset stomach?

“These dogs are heavy — they’re teacup Yorkies,” Depp said, his face impeccably deadpan. “They weigh about four pounds each.”

Depp greets a group of supporters as he leaves the pitch.
Depp greeted a group of supporters as he left the courtroom during the trial.
Splash News Network

On a related note, Snopes tried to confirm whether Depp’s friend Gina Duters was farting in the stands. Their findings are inconclusive.

Johnny’s doorman, deposed in his car, vaping frantically, then drove away trying to escape this whole mischief: Chef’s Kiss!

Text messages between Hurd and agent Christian Carino – so cruel! So refreshing!As heard complaining about losing billionaires space colonizer elon muskCarino responded like Hollywood’s meanest Real Housewives.

“Deal with the breakup,” Hurd texted. “I hate it being public. It makes me sad.”

A photo of Depp's bandaged fingers was used as evidence at the trial.
A photo of Depp’s bandaged fingers was used as evidence at the trial.
Johnny Depp Legal Team/REUTERS Handout

“Sounds like a press release,” Carino shot back. “You didn’t fall in love with him, you told me a thousand times you were just filling space.”

Carino told her to be real. “You can avoid all this if you stop dating super-celebrities,” he wrote.

Yes!

That said, I think Hurd’s testimony is convincing. Obviously, their marriage sucks, but Johnny Depp is still considered a villain, a charming bad boy(er), and Heard is considered mean, ac-t, any number of vicious titles are online Hive thoughts hurled at her.

Women still have to be the perfect victims. Men don’t, as this trial shows.

As for Johnny: He probably owns a private island, but we learn he lives in a shack. Who else imagined a glass-walled compound to match that $27 million yacht—you know, the one he was forced to sell to JK Rowling?

We heard his grievances about it, and his security team’s take on “The Boss,” who they called him, drinking and doing drugs. Working for late Elvis sounds more interesting.

“I’ll be with this damn white dementia in case he gets sick,” said one bodyguard.

Ask the other: “Mr. Depp wants to pee in the foyer, doesn’t he?”

We have Depp’s Brilliant Analysis of the Finger IncidentHe said everything she said paled in comparison to the photo – the injuries he caused, the bloody stump itself, Johnny on an ER stretcher, his sunglasses still on.

Heard leaving the Fairfax County Courthouse after the verdict is read on June 1, 2022.
Heard leaving the Fairfax County Courthouse after the verdict is read on June 1, 2022.
Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images

“I remember painting on lampshades, walls, mirrors,” Depp said. An ordinary Marcel Duchamp. “I remember dipping my fingers in paint thinner and painting with it when I had no blood to paint with.”

The end of the trial brings us a plot twist that none of us foresaw – possible Rekindling the ’90s couple Depp and Moss.

So chic. very messy. Better than Brad and Jen.

As for the verdict: Depp won, But he also lost. Disney will never hire him again. It’s hard to imagine a major studio or streamer doing this. He’s approaching 60 and seems like a desperate addict who will never get past what he wants most: a celebrity show trial in the internet age.

Memories fade. Memes are forever.